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Anthony Albanese has returned from his six-day odyssey through China’s authoritarian wonderland.

In return for bravely avoiding every difficult question, he was gifted two pandas.

Yes. Pandas.

Not economic concessions.

Not the release of Australian political prisoners.

Not a retraction of military aggression in the South China Sea.

Just two confused bears who poop 40 times a day and now have to pretend they live in a democracy.

Pandering to the Chinese Communist Party

Albanese described the trip as “a breakthrough” in relations. And he’s not wrong.

Never before has an Australian prime minister managed to spend almost a week in Beijing and walk away two bears. That’s diplomacy, Labor-style.

Six days of kowtowing in exchange for two cuddly metaphors for our foreign policy – slow-moving, disinterested, and wholly reliant on China.

The pandas, reportedly named “Peace” and “Friendship,” are on loan from the Chinese Communist Party, which is fitting, since half our universities, ports, and telecommunications infrastructure seem to be on the same arrangement.

China positions surveillance ships off our coast. We send Albo to smile in front of a bamboo enclosure like it’s the opening of a Westfield.

Panda Symbolism

If symbolism is what you’re after, this is perfect.

Pandas are solitary, hard to motivate, and generally asleep during working hours – basically a Labor backbencher in fur.

Albanese’s defenders insist this is “soft diplomacy”, which is just a polite way of saying we’re being outplayed by a country that builds aircraft carriers while we build panda pens.

When asked what he hopes the pandas will achieve, Albanese said he believed they would “deepen cultural ties” – which is code for “we have no leverage, but they let me touch the bear.”

Let’s take stock. China still has Australian writer Yang Hengjun in prison without charge. Still hasn’t backed off in the Pacific. And still hasn’t agreed to return the Port of Darwin.

Albanese got a selfie with a bear.

Back in Canberra, the Labor Party is reportedly considering following the Chinese example and adopting animal-based diplomatic strategies.

There’s talk of sending a koala to North Korea, or perhaps offering a kangaroo to Iran in exchange for cheaper fuel.

If this keeps up, Australia’s entire foreign policy could soon resemble a petting zoo.

In the end, the pandas are the perfect symbol for the Albanese government: photogenic, indecisive, directionless, and entirely dependent on the goodwill of others to survive.

You’d almost think the Chinese chose them on purpose.

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Republished with thanks to The James Macpherson Report.

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Images: screenshots of YouTube/ABC News.