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Australia’s new “interstellar Indigenous policy” grant sparks satire, with critics lampooning a space program focused on cultural protocols over spacecraft, engineering, or anything that might actually reach space.

Australia has finally unveiled its bold plan for interstellar leadership.

Predictably, it involves no rockets, no spacecraft, and nothing that might actually leave Earth.

It does, however, involve a $528,491 grant so that the University of Newcastle can develop an “interstellar Indigenous policy”.

Because nothing says spacefaring civilisation like a government grant to make sure our hypothetical, imaginary space explorers don’t hurt anyone’s feelings while floating through the vacuum.

No, this is NOT satire.

Politically Correct Protocols

Nevertheless, here are MY suggestions as to how the more than half a million dollars could be spent developing said interstellar Indigenous policy.

And I’m just spitballing:

1. Cosmic Welcome Ceremonies

A mandatory “Welcome to Country” to be performed before our astronauts set foot on any celestial body.

2. Cultural Impact Statements for Space Mining

Before mining any asteroid, a multi-page report must assess the “spiritual and environmental significance” of cosmic resources.

3. Interstellar Smoking Ceremonies

Protocols for purifying spacecraft and satellites before they leave Earth.

4. Zero-Gravity Welcome to Country Training

Astronauts must learn ceremonial gestures adapted to microgravity.

5. Asteroid Naming Rights Policy

Only culturally appropriate names approved by Indigenous advisory panels can be assigned. Sorry, Halley’s Comet — you’re out.

And that’s just a tiny slice of what’s possible. Imagine how many ideas the First People’s Assembly of Victoria could come up with if given a go at this!

Disappearing Tax Dollars

Anyhoo…

The Australian Research Council has graciously announced it will back a project to embed Indigenous knowledge into Australian space policy.

What Indigenous knowledge can actually add to the space program is anyone’s guess.

Fortunately, rockets don’t require a wheel. But I digress.

The research — if I can call it that — will draw on Dreamtime stories, songlines, and creation narratives to “broaden understandings of outer space.”

Which is a huge relief because I thought they were going to waste our money on things like maths, physics, engineering or — God forbid — rocket propulsion.

We’re told the project will produce “intercultural guidelines for sustainable human activity in outer space”.

Of course it will. In Australia, you need a manual, three consultants, and a cultural impact statement to build a chicken coop.

Why should the Milky Way get off lightly?

Imagine NASA engineers calling mission control:

“Houston, we have a problem. We can’t land until we’ve performed a Welcome to Country.”

This is what happens when a nation that can’t build a functional submarine decides it’s ready to lecture the cosmos on responsible behaviour.

We’re still trying to have two of our subs in the water at the same time. But don’t worry, we’ll have ethical guidelines for Jupiter ready by March next year.

As usual, the real victims are the taxpayers.

They fund a space program with no spacecraft, administered by a government that treats the universe as a giant HR department waiting for its next diversity training module.

But take heart. One day, when humanity finally steps onto another world, Australia will be there.

Not with astronauts, not with engineers, not with a spacecraft… but with a government-appointed Elder clearing his throat to deliver a two-minute Welcome to Country before anyone can pick up a rock.

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Republished with thanks to The James Macpherson Report. Image courtesy of Adobe.