Australia’s Largest Christian News Site

Jason T. Smith is a writer, a consultant, a successful businessman and a very well-known speaker mostly in the business world. He is a very committed father. Jason, with his wife Paulina ’s help, has developed some great keys to what they call Purposeful Parenting. This editorial features Part Two: Purposeful Parenting Steps 4-8.

Step Four

The big milestone or rite of passage occurs when Jason’s children turn 13 years of age. Jason is not alone in his plan. The Bar Mitzvah for Jewish boys is celebrated at the age of 13. This marks the age when a boy is considered morally and religiously responsible for observing Jewish commandments (mitzvot) and becomes a full member of the Jewish community. The ceremony typically involves the boy reading from the Torah and participating in synagogue services, followed by a celebration with family and friends.

In tribal cultures, the age for rites of passage varies widely depending on the specific community, but 13 years is generally more commonly celebrated as a key age for such ceremonies. This is because many tribal rites of passage are tied to puberty, which often begins around this age.

In Australia, Darren Lewis from Fathering Adventures has written a great guide called Rites of Passage. My friend Brian Molitor from Malachi Global in the USA has written two excellent books, Girl’s Passage, Father’s Duty and Boy’s Passage, Man’s Journey.

Watch the Jason T. Smith video interview here:

Jason said,

“At thirteen I create an extra special moment for my son. I get all the grandparents together with the uncles. I also get the five or six men who I consider my spiritual brothers who have played a pseudo-Uncle role in the life of my son.

I also get five or six of my boy’s best friends and I get their fathers, and so there’s about 20 of us and we go away together for a weekend. We go surfing, we go go-karting, we play soccer, we get the jet skis out and we have a real boy’s kind of fun adventurous weekend.

But then on the Saturday night I have prepped my son who’s the one turning 13 that this is not a birthday party, but this is a rite of passage. His birthday party happened a few weeks earlier, but today is a moment to celebrate his coming into young adulthood.

To properly celebrate the occasion, every one of the adult men sitting in the circle around the fire or around the room, whatever the context, will take a moment to share something special. You see, I’ve briefed them in the weeks leading up to this special celebration to either give a piece of advice, a scripture, a song, a funny memory from their own childhood or something they deem appropriate to invest into my boy and his four or five mates.

You see, his mates are also participating, so it’s not just about my son, but it is about my son’s friends too. I have two predominant reasons for why we have invited his peers into this rite of passage.

Firstly, it normalises the experience for everyone, so if the other fathers were not expecting to do this or didn’t think to do this or didn’t have the resources to do this, their sons get the overflow of the benefit from my son’s rite of passage. I think that is paying it forward into all these other families so my friends’ sons will experience the benefits as well. 

Secondly, my son is going to be friends with these boys at for least the next 5 or 6 years, and the boys he runs with will influence the man he will become. I’d like to think I was the one who could bring all the influence, but I know the crowd you hang around with will shape a lot of who you become.

So, if I can vicariously reach around my son and positively impact the people he is friends with, then that just builds a virtuous cycle, you know an environment in which God is at the centre and my son is safe and he is protected and nurtured by people with good perspectives.

So, this milestone rite of passage is both for my sons’ benefit and my sons’ friends’ benefit. I would spend probably a good half an hour speaking into my son’s life in that public context, and so they’re all hearing the expectations I have of my son as he’s now stepping into becoming a man.

We’re talking about girls, we’re talking about sex, we’re talking about finance, we’re talking about how to treat the adults in their world and we’re talking about the disciplines of schoolwork and work in general. 

Just as importantly, we’re also wanting to make sure they understand these can be some of the most fun-filled years of their life, so it’s not about just laying down the rules. It’s about inviting them into the adventure of life and the challenge of accepting the responsibility of manhood. 

We have gifts for my son. For the first time, he gets a mobile phone, he gets a key to the house, and he gets some sentimental gifts that I get engraved. This is the massive milestone. This is a big deal, and on the morning of the last day of the three-day extravaganza, everybody goes home.

But on the last day after everyone goes home, I hang out with my son for the full day, just to consolidate everything we’ve heard. Together, we write it all down. Mind you, I had primed him to give a thank-you speech in response to the rite of passage ceremony, which he has already done.

You see, he is learning to respond well to adults and put his own thoughts out there, and then we document it all and we keep it in a record book so that he can look back on this and not forget some of these special moments.”

Step Five

For Jason and Paulina, their children’s 15^th birthday is another important milestone in their teenagers’ lives. Jason says,

“When my children turn 15, my wife takes them overseas on a mission trip into the country and a place where the people are experiencing extreme poverty.

Now, to put everything into perspective, we’ve probably gone on lots of mission trips by this stage with our whole family. This is different to those times. You see, you are going with just one child, and you give them your undivided attention. The experience is more about what they’re going through than the whole family dynamic.

It is an intensely personal experience. My wife and I will organise the initial stages, and then my child with my wife will co-create the opportunity together, so the 15-year-old is thinking about where they want to go and what culture they want to invest into.

In other words, how much of ‘their money’ are they going to contribute to the area of need. Also, what sort of activities and training do they want to go through. We involve them in the planning and the logistics as they now taking more responsibility for the decisions they make.

This includes a debriefing later with mum and dad when they return home. The really good news is that in many cases, our children continue to support the needs in that country of their own volition in the long term. This is a great way to teach them the power of generosity. Usually, this overseas third-world mission trip varies in length anywhere from 7-10 days, but a week is definitely long enough.

Step Six

The next big milestone is when your children turn 18. Jason says,

“This is an important time because there is a legal acknowledgment of adulthood at 18. It is the age you can be drafted into the military if such a crisis occurred. Here in the state of Victoria, it is the year where you can get your license to drive. You can also vote at 18 years of age.

I don’t want to create this impression that these are the only times you want to turn up in your kids’ lives.  These seven milestones need to be seen in the context of committed and loving everyday parenting. Let’s be honest, between 15 and 18, we’ve got this continuous narrative building up day by day by day about making good choices morally.

Furthermore, are you making good choices in your friendship groups, how’s your spiritual life going, what are you doing with your money? Most likely your children are now working part-time at a job, and your children have access to freedoms they didn’t have last year, so 18 is a big celebration.

We help our children with their first car purchase. I have heard a lot of other parents do the same depending on family budgets. At 18, our parenting changes gears. As a parent, you’re shifting from being compliance parent in their younger years to being more a coach in their teenage years.

When your children move into young adulthood of 18-plus, you’re more of a consultant as a parent. At this stage, you need to be welcomed into their world, rather than just imposing advice.

So, there’s a real conversation around, hey mum and dad are going to look different to you moving forward, but we are still totally in your corner, but it is going to look different.

From now on, this is how we can keep relating together in a way that gives you both freedom and responsibility. Not without consequences, but we will no longer impose all the same rules that you once had over. All the world’s regulations indicate you are now an adult — you’re going to take responsibility for your own actions more than ever before.”

Step Seven

The 21st birthday party is the big celebration for any child. In Australia today, turning 21 is less significant legally than it was in the past. However, it remains a symbolic milestone celebrating adulthood and independence. Many families and friends mark the occasion with traditional 21st birthday parties, speeches, and gifts like keys, representing maturity and responsibility.

Jason Smith says,

“This is the final celebration of being an adult where you will be responsible for your own actions and accept the consequences of the same good or bad. Our hope as parents is for the best for our children. This celebration needs to say that loud and clear.”

Step Eight

LOVE is still the key to giving your children the best start in life. Jason did not say this verbatim to me, but his actions and his wife’s actions in the seven steps above show great love and great wisdom. I am sure they would agree LOVE is the secret sauce!

People talk about love all the time, but don’t express love. Many years ago, the Beatles wrote a song, All You Need is Love. A few short years later they broke up amid court battles. A great man once said, “Love is a decision.”

I am not saying that love is not a feeling. It can be and it should be but when it comes down to the nitty gritty of life, it is a decision. Sometimes, a very costly decision. Lynn Malone, a pastor, bravely said, “What I’m learning more and more is that love — transformative, life-giving love — is also the greatest challenge.”

Children, as I have said at the beginning of this article, spell love as TIME. Jason and Paulina’s first 5 steps of the Purposeful Parenting Plan is built around 6 days just with Dad, and 10 days just with Mum, plus 3 days with Dad and male friends. Essentially, this is a process of planned love and nurturing to give their children the best start in life.

If you are interested in learning more about the power behind Purposeful Parenting and the 8 Keys to Give Your Children the Best Start in Life, get a copy of Jason T. Smith’s memoir, Unlikely. You can get it at Amazon here, or Jason Smith’s website here at a considerable discount.

Lovework

Read the full article at the website or watch the video and consider implementing Jason’s and Paulina’s Eight-Stage Purposeful Parenting Plan. I believe it is pure genius. Jason’s new book Unlikely would also be a good resource.

Yours for Helping Our Children Thrive,
Warwick Marsh

PS: Don’t forget that the Courageous Online Fathering Course starts at 7:30 pm (AEDT) on Thursday, 6 February 2025.

Do you want to grow as a father and deepen your connection with your children? Our 10-week online Zoom course, priced at just $39, is designed to guide you through the principles of courageous fathering, enabling you to lead your family with confidence, love, and wisdom. Find out more info here. Register here.

___

Republished with thanks to Dads4Kids. Image courtesy of Adobe.