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BREAKING: Violent youth gangs have announced they will dissolve at noon on Wednesday when the Victorian government’s machete ban comes into effect.

Notorious gang leader Outon Bale told journalists his violent band of marauding thugs would leave their lives of crime and take up knitting, since needles and yarn would still be able to be bought in shops.

“We were only robbing houses and hacking random people to death in the streets because Bunnings was selling sharp knives.

“Now that the knives are no longer on sale, we’ll be knitting jumpers.

“We’ve advised our members that Spotlight stocks a wide variety of yarn in 8-ply acrylic, and that knitting needles are currently on special.”

Victorian Government’s Tough Call

Outon Bale gave special thanks to the Victorian Government for finally getting tough on stores that stocked machetes. He continued,

“It was pretty outrageous that blades had been left on shelves, and at affordable prices, for so long.”

He told of his shock when, having been released on bail for the eighteenth time after his sixty-third home invasion, he discovered machetes could still be purchased.

“I mean, we stole the machetes. But we could have purchased them if we had wanted to, and that just seemed very dangerous to me.”

Victorian Premier Jacinta Allan said she would have banned machetes earlier, but she had only recently been advised blades longer than 20cm were unable to vote.

Allan commented,

“I had been under the impression that machetes voted in State elections and so I was going to protect them in the same way that I protect corrupt union leaders, bats*** crazy trans activists and journalists at the ABC.

“The moment I learned machetes can’t punish Labor at the ballot box; I did something about them. It was the principled thing to do.”

She said the Government would use “extraordinary powers” to enforce the ban, but could not say why the extraordinary powers did not extend to arresting, jailing, or deporting criminals.

When asked why the machete ban would come into effect on Wednesday rather than immediately, she shrugged dismissively…

“Why did we prosecute old ladies for sitting on park benches during the Covid pandemic?

“Why did we spend $589m not to host the Commonwealth Games?

“And here’s another thing. Why are there so many songs about rainbows, and what’s on the other side?”

When pressed, she added…

“Let me be clear, if I knew the reason we do things, I’d be able to explain bankrupting the State to build a Suburban Rail Loop absolutely no-one wants. But I can’t explain any of it. And that’s how we are keeping Labor, er, Victorians, safe.”

The Premier then insisted that in the name of open and transparent government she would not be taking any more questions from the media, after which she took several questions from the ABC because they were classified as in-house public relations rather than media.

‘Machetes are Weaponising Kids’: State Police Commissioner

State Police Commissioner Nigel Noodlehead backed the government’s approach to youth crime.

He said machetes had weaponised young immigrants in Melbourne’s outer suburbs for too long.

“Many of these kids who are carjacking motorists and breaking into homes in the middle of the night would have been neurosurgeons or astronauts had they not been deliberately groomed by machetes.”

The Victorian Government was moved to act after machetes attached themselves to the hands of peace loving teenagers who had arrived at Northlands Shopping Center for a book club event.

Terrified shoppers hid in stores as rival machetes, brandishing gang members, fought a pitched battle through the complex.

Meanwhile, on Sunday, a 17-year-old boy was rushed to hospital with slash wounds to his arm and ribs after a separate incident involving out of control machetes in Wyndham Vale, south-west of Melbourne.

Officers were called to Manuka Drive after machetes, armed with four men, were seen chasing the victim on the street, according to police.

In other news, a spokesman for the Allan Government said next week her administration would use its extraordinary powers to ban kitchenwares stores from selling spoons in a bid to stop obesity.

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Republished with thanks to The James Macpherson Report.

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