Penny Wong Proposes Calming the Ayatollah with Essential Oils and Group Hugs
In what historians will one day call either the most courageous act of modern diplomacy or an elaborate ABC sketch, Foreign Minister Penny Wong has teamed up with Greta Thunberg to bring lasting peace to the Middle East – by encouraging Israel and Iran to hug it out.
Speaking on the ABC’s Insiders Sunday morning – wearing rainbow lanyards and accompanied by a didgeridoo player for “cultural depth” – Wong and Sweden’s Goblin of Doom unveiled their bold plan, titled “Operation Group Hug: Tehran to Tel Aviv.”
Wong said,
“We believe the root cause of conflict is unexpressed emotion and a lack of authentic connection.”
Lighting a peace-scented soy candle, she continued:
“Our planet is overheating, and so are tempers,” Wong solemnly intoned, standing next to Greta in front of a wall of ethically-sourced prayer flags.
“We believe it’s time the world’s most volatile powder keg cooled off—with compassion and cuddles.”
Thunberg, glaring furiously at a nearby plastic water bottle, told Insiders host David Speers:
“How dare they keep fighting while the planet is literally boiling. We need less high-grade uranium and more biodegradable empathy.”
The Wong-Greta Solution
According to leaked briefing notes, the Wong-Greta solution involves the immediate cessation of hostilities, to be followed by a mandatory seven-day “mutual vulnerability retreat,” during which the Ayatollah and Benjamin Netanyahu will participate in guided cuddle circles and spoken-word ceasefire poems.
The plan also proposes replacing Iran’s nuclear program with care packages of kale chips, bamboo yoga mats, and a soothing playlist curated by Yothu Yindi and Coldplay.
Thunberg has put her hand up to…
… deliver the package provided that there is sufficient media coverage.
Asked how the initiative would handle the Iranian regime’s insistence that Israel was a cancer that needed to be wiped off the face of the planet, Wong replied:
“We need to deweaponise language. Let’s focus on shared trauma and the power of positive chakras.”
Greta declared that “climate grief is the real enemy,” and urged both Israelis and Iranians to redirect their rage toward coal.
Misplaced Emphathy
Late yesterday Penny Wong announced $10m funding from the Federal Labor Government to develop an AI-powered empathy app designed by a gender studies collective at Monash University. The app would be made available to members of the Iranian Republican Guard and their families.
“Albo’s strategy is to negotiate with the Islamic terrorists hell bent on nuking Israel. Have we ever had a more foolish prime minister?”
Albo’s strategy is to negotiate with the Islamic terrorists hell bent on nuking Israel. Have we ever had a more foolish prime minister? pic.twitter.com/N28pUnwxXm
— Lyle Shelton (@LyleShelton) June 13, 2025
Pressed on how exactly she and Wong plan to de-radicalise the Ayatollahs and calm down Benjamin Netanyahu with essential oils, Greta clarified:
“We’re not here to negotiate power. We’re here to realign energy.”
Iran’s Supreme Leader reportedly welcomed the proposal, mainly because it allows him just enough time to develop nuclear warheads while Wong conducts an inner healing circle via Zoom.
Do You Have Experience In Nuclear Engineering? Check Out These Exciting New Job Openings In Iran https://t.co/fOxYGfVatw pic.twitter.com/AEXV81XIcW
— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) June 15, 2025
US President Donald Trump was unavailable for comment, but former President Joe Biden told MSNBC the peace plan was “inspiring”, before wandering off and hugging a potted plant.
Non-satirical editor’s note: We must pray for Iran, Israel and for the quick end to this war. All war is horrid. In a fallen world, there are times it is necessary.
___
Republished with thanks to The James Macpherson Report.
Subscribe to his Substack here for daily witty commentary.
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It is good to have a laugh. Thanks James. This has to be to there with your best I think.
It seems Mr Albanese and Penny Wong are living in “cloud cuckoo land!” How naive can you be? Are they unaware of the threats of Iran towards Israel that have escalated in recent days? It makes me wonder how safe we are as a Nation!
Babylon Bee should definitely sign you up, James!