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“Love is a many splendored thing” is a quote often attributed to William Shakespeare. When it comes to having a happy marriage, perhaps the words of Mignon McLaughlan are more to the point. “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”

Recently my wife and I celebrated our golden wedding anniversary. Nat spoke about it beautifully last week. Fifty years ago, on Saturday 29 November 1975, we walked down the aisle after saying our vows, committing to ‘love and to cherish till death us do part”.

As we both love trains and share a deep love for Australia, we decided to celebrate this love milestone by catching the Indian Pacific train from Perth to Sydney. Here is the one minute video below that we recorded on the day of our 50th anniversary at the train station in Perth WA.

Life Through Death

We did not know at the time of our marriage that love is a process of death. Having said that it is a wonderful way to die. A woman knows this instinctively, but a man must learn how to die for his wife. The good news is that out of death comes life.

To help you on the journey of love, we would like to share our 10 keys to having a great marriage. But beware, death lurks in all of them. Love is a very costly exercise, but it has great rewards and brings great joy.

1. Talk, talk, talk. Enjoy the conversation and find common ground. Friedrich Nietzsche was right to say, “When marrying you should ask yourself this question: do you believe you are going to enjoy talking with this woman into your old age? Everything else in a marriage is transitory, but most of the time that you’re together will be devoted to conversation.” Love between you both started with a conversation and to have a great marriage it must continue. In marriage, finding agreement is everything. Ed Cole says, “The place of agreement is the place of power.”
2. Keep romance alive. Married partners need time together in order to grow a strong marriage. Plan regularly scheduled weekly date nights and weekends away. It is hard when the children are young, but it is all the more important. Love requires planning. Plan for fun and enjoy a passionate sex life. Forget the “quality vs. quantity time” discussion — healthy marriages need both.
3. Commitment. A woman once told me, “Love is being committed to being committed.” Justin Wetch said, “Love starts as a feeling, but to continue is a choice.” Andrew Peterson’s “Dancing in the Minefields” song highlights the importance of this commitment. Without commitment you have nothing. Divorce has never been an option for us, neither should it be for you if you want a successful marriage.
4. Marriage is hard. Marriage.com says, “Marriage is not easy. It takes compromise, sacrifice, and revealing yourself to another person. However, if you are willing to work and submit to the process, it promises great reward.” Paul the Apostle said, “Those who marry will face many troubles in this life.” Accept the worst and expect the best.
5. Work at your marriage. “A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day”, are the wise words of André Maurois. My mother and father had a very rocky marriage so I knew I had to work hard on mine. My wife and I have done dozens of marriage courses and seminars, weekend retreats and read innumerable marriage books. As Albert Enstein said, “Once you stop learning you start dying.”
6. Marriage is all about giving. “When you give each other everything, it becomes an even trade. Each wins all.” These are the wise words of Lois Bujold. If you go into marriage to get, you are guaranteed to fail. Diane Sawyer’s words cut to the quick: “A great marriage is a contest of generosity”.
7. Forgiveness foundation. The Bible says, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger”. In other words, be quick to forgive. I once asked a friend what was the secret to his happy marriage. His answer was short and sharp, “A forgiving wife”. Ruth Bell Graham puts it beautifully, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers”.
8. Spiritual life. Sting says we are spirits in a material world. We neglect the spiritual side of marriage at our peril. Both sex and marriage are deeply spiritual and intertwined. Thomas Adams said, “As God by creation made two of one, so again by marriage He made one of two”. The couple who prays together stays together. This is our lived story. The Bible says in Ecclesiastes, “A threefold cord is not quickly broken.”
9. Go to church. Develop your spiritual life with God. Get teaching on spiritual things. Seek out older marriage mentors who can train you as a married couple. An alive and functioning church is the ideal place for male and female mentoring for marriage, family and for children too. All the research shows that going to church increases your happiness and your success of your marriage.
10. Learn the four stages of marriage. Every marriage cycles through these four stages. Some cycles are long, others are short.
    1. Stage 1: Romance. Falling in love and filled with dopamine. This initial phase is often called the ‘honeymoon stage’.
    2. Stage 2: Disillusionment. After the initial glow fades, you begin to notice your partner’s flaws and habits which may start to annoy you.
    3. Stage 3: Misery. For many couples, disillusionment deepens into a ‘power struggle’ or ‘misery’ stage if issues are not addressed. Some couples may consider separation or divorce during this challenging period.
    4. Stage 4: Awakening. Couples who successfully navigate the challenges of the previous stages may reach a stage of ‘awakening’ or ‘real, lasting love’. The focus shifts from individual needs to building a shared future and a strong, resilient partnership.

We recorded a short video reflection about how the secret to life is all about giving on the last day of our train journey across Australia. Watch our performance below of one of our favourite love songs, “Let Us Climb the Hill Together”.

Lovework

Make your wife a cuppa or pour her a glass of wine and talk about what you can do together to make your marriage better and more passionate than ever before. You might want to play some of your favourite love songs in the background while you talk. If you run out of ideas check out my Ten Greatest Love Songs.

Yours for staying in love,

Warwick Marsh

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Originally published at Dads4Kids. Photo by Vera Arsic on Pexels.