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The concept of a Love Bank was first developed by best-selling author Dr Willard Harley in 1986. Put simply, it is how we keep track of the way each person treats us. Dr Harley developed The Love Bank as the first of ten basic concepts to help married couples fall in love and stay in love. When it comes to being excellent fathers for our children, The Love Bank is also a very useful concept.

The team at Dads4Kids recently discovered the story of Jerrad Lopes on Newsweek (not a website we regularly visit or recommend). Lopes, a Christian author, speaker, and the founder of Dad Tired, is from the US state of North Carolina. His story beautifully illustrates the benefits of banking ‘relational deposits’ with your kids — take it away, Newsweek:

A busy father-of-four has shared the ‘simple’ change he made to his day-to-day life that has helped him to better connect with his kids.

Juggling the demands of parenthood and work is a difficult task. The amount of focus given to the demands of a career can have a significant impact on children, both good and bad.

That was apparent in a 2018 study conducted by the Harvard Business Review which sought to look at how work affects children’s lives. Around 900 business professionals from a range of backgrounds and age groups were surveyed as part of the study which aims to explore the emotional health of their kids.

Researchers were able to glean a number of interesting conclusions from the study. Firstly, children’s emotional health was significantly better if their parents put family first, regardless of how much they worked.

However, the study also highlighted how children were better served by parents who cared about their work and saw it as a source of creativity and enjoyment, regardless of time spent doing it. The research also pointed to the fact that kids were significantly better off when their parents made themselves physically available to them.

Balancing all three of those demands might sound complicated, but there are simple steps parents can take to try and address these seemingly contradictory expectations, as Lopes’ example shows.

Quality Time

Until recently, much of Lopes’ focus had been on his work as an author and speaker running dadtired.com, a non-profit designed to help dads stay engaged with their families.

But there was a problem. “I have four kids and felt like I was just managing them as a group, but not connecting with them one-on-one,” Lopes told Newsweek. “I constantly have in the back of my mind that I’m spending all my time helping other dads but afraid I’ll miss connecting with my own kids.”

So, Lopes decided to try something “simple.” Once a week, he takes each of his children off for a one-on-one “daddy walk” where he invites them to talk about their thoughts and feelings while he simply listens. “This felt like the easiest way to connect with them consistently each week,” he said.

Each of his kids gets a day a week. On Sunday night, he walks with his 12-year-old son; on Monday, it’s his 10-year-old daughter’s turn. Tuesday is allocated to his five-year-old daughter while his three-year-old daughter goes off with him every Thursday.

Lopes said the walking element of this simple change is crucial to its success. “I noticed that we will talk a lot more when we walk rather than when it’s me sitting down and trying to talk to them,” he said. “I’ve been surprised how much they open up and just start sharing what is most important to them as we start walking. It takes very little prompting.”

Given the age range of his kids, it’s perhaps unsurprising that the content of these weekly chats varies wildly. “For my older kids, they often talk about their friends, things that are bothering them, things that hurt their feelings, or fears,” Lopes said. “My younger girls talk about shooting stars, puppies, and what kinds of animals like to walk around at night.”

Lopes likes to think of these conversations as a form of “relational deposit” between him and his kids. “I’m investing in them one-on-one each week so that when bigger life issues hit later down the line, they’ll feel comfortable talking to me.”

More importantly, he’s already seen a significant change in his relationships with each of them. “My son was hesitant at first but now talks to me way more,” Lopes said. “I also noticed a huge difference in my 10-year-old daughter. Her behaviour definitely changes for the better when we connect more one-on-one during the week.”

Lopes isn’t expecting everyone to follow his example and take up nightly walks with their kids, but he believes every parent eager to foster a better relationship with their kids has the power to do so. “Find something simple and sustainable,” he said. “Something that doesn’t require a tonne of time, money or effort, but will reap a tonne of relational rewards.”

Lovework

Make as many relational deposits as you can with your wife and children. Benjamin Franklin, a founding father of the United States, famously said: ‘An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.’ May I suggest investments in love with your family and friends pay even better interest.

Yours for The Love Bank,
Nathaniel Marsh

P.S. We wouldn’t be able to send you our free Weekly Newsletter without the generous support of our amazing donors. If you enjoy receiving weekly inspiration and encouragement from Dads4Kids, please consider supporting Dads4Kids on a monthly basis.

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Republished with thanks to Dads4Kids. Image courtesy of Juliane Sanchez.